Snap Back To Reality
Monday, November 7th, 2005
Was I going too far? Was I on the verge on acting on my feelings? Was it gonna lead on to nothing anyway? Was God telling me to wake up? Or rather…did God just give me a slap on the face(if He ever does) saying…"Here now…it’s time to snap back to reality, my child…you’ve had enough..".
A lotta questions are running in my mind right now. It’s hard coz it’s even more baffling than any programming assignment that you could sit up to in front of the monitor and eventually figure out come 2 or so hours. These are the type of questions which couldn’t be answered in just a snap. Ones that don’t just crack your brain…they crumble it to tiny bits. They don’t require 2 hours of figuring out. They require uhh..hmm…Honestly, I don’t know how long it would take me to answer these questions…coz in the first place, it would depend on whether or not I’d choose to answer them. And I am torn between these two decisions.
See..if I choose to answer ‘em…I would have to jeopardize a lot of things. My integrity, for one(assuming I got one..Lol!) and my pride, as well. Once I choose to answer these questions, it would mean I’d have to go a bit astray of the things that I believe in…the principles I live up to, shall we say. I’d have to go out from the usual me…the don’t-ever-do-anything-that-would-get-you-into-any-sort-of-trouble me. I’d also be gambling my pride once I choose to push this through. Coz I wouldn’t know(I don’t even have concrete evidence) if I would really be able to prove something if I did take a chance on elucidating these uncertainties. And might I add that it would be a BIG gamble…a great risk…an enormous amount of me shall be wagered.
On the other hand, if I choose NOT to answer the questions running in my mind, I might someday regret…I might, one day, be remorseful on what might’ve been..what could’ve been. Know what I mean? I fear that opting not to answer these questions might one day leave me devastated. I may be eaten by even bigger and more shattering questions like "Could there have been a…" or "Was there ever(no matter how little) ardor on those…" or worse, "Would I be happier if it were…?". Goodness! I wouldn’t want to get stuck with those questions ever! I’d rather be bombarded with an endless list of major-subjects requirements than face those it’s-too-late-to-answer-that questions. Dreadful!
I’m really trying to figure it out. It is quite demanding of a stubborn daughter like me but right now, I’m asking for a lot of stuff from Him. And yes, one of those is guidance…enlightenment…a sort of ‘right mind’ to make me do the right thing.
If you were in such situation, what would you do? Would you risk getting hurt and degraded? Or would you choose to live a lifetime of "so-called peacefulness" with haunting questions that you would never ever have the chance to answer?
